Happy Birthday to me

Last Friday was my birthday. It was lovely, and delightfully uneventful; my husband made me a dinner of lobster and corn (accompanied by some bubbly!) and for dessert we had Jebmade blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream. I went to bed happy.

The next day, I decided to run away. I like being alone, but rarely get to experience it. Luckily, I married well and my husband understands when I need to go. I escaped to a lovely mountain town in Vermont about 90 minutes from home. This place is special to me for a few reasons: my mom used to meet me here for lunch, two of my siblings married here, and it is absolutely beautiful.

When I pulled into my lodging for the night, I heard the ding of a text. The message was from Jeb. He had managed to get all of the kids together for a photo. With Luke living out of the house and Cal an independent teen, this is no easy feat. The last time this happened was three years ago. A lot can happen in that time, especially when puberty starts working its magic.

The photos instantly brought tears to my eyes.

My children are beautiful. Stunning. (I love how this works. We are so blinded by love for our children that we are convinced they are the most magnificent things on the planet. We would be shocked if others didn’t quite see what we see…love goggles).

And they all came out of a spark between Jeb and me. Remarkable. Our love created these human beings. That is amazing. I stare at these captivating images and I can hardly wrap my head around what they represent. These are my children. Without me, they would not exist. Without them, neither would I.

When I left for this excursion, Jeb locked me in a strong embrace. Nicky was holding onto my leg and I had just received a hug from Kelly and about twenty-five kisses from Drewzie. As Jeb released me, he said, “You sure are loved.”

Yes, one thing I know for sure: I am loved.

When that thought came into my head, I felt the most lovely feeling wash over me: contentment. Right now-this very second- I have absolutely everything I need. My life is filled with love, and when all of the other noise gets distilled down, there is nothing left but that.  

To love and to be loved. It is why we are here.

 

 

Mission accomplished.

 

photo (25)

 

IMG_3787

How do you find your Soul Mate*?

*(a.k.a. your one true love, the love of your life…blah, blah)

An open letter to my children 

(and anyone else who will listen to me)

 

Do I really have the answer to this age old question?

Yup. I do. So, listen up. I know what I’m talking about.

I’ve have been married to the love of my life for 22 years and I still find comfort in his embrace, electricity in his kiss and delight in his humor. At the end of the day, I still want to sit by his side. The fact that I still feel this way about your dad is remarkable. You realize this don’t you? So, stop rolling your eyes and take some notes.

Look around you. How many of your friends have parents that are still married? Of those that are still married, how many of them actually like each other? After 20-plus years, I think its pretty obvious that your dad and I still like each other. In fact, I think he is the smartest, funniest, kindest, and (cover your ears) sexiest man I know. If Johnny Depp knocked on the door and wanted a quick roll in the hay, I would say, “No thanks, Johnny. I’m good”. Then I would proceed to invite him in, sit him on the couch and help him figure out what went wrong with Vanessa. This is because I know what I’m talking about. I got this.

If you have any interest in a joyful life, do not fuck this one up.

Choosing your partner is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. It is absolutely the most important decision if you are going to have a family. It is the foundation on which everything else is built. This foundation needs to be rock solid. Your father and I had no idea how important this strength would be in years to come. As you well know, our journey has not been easy, but it has always been good. Always.

The crises that we went through could have destroyed our family if our relationship wasn’t as solid as it is. Instead of crumbling, we became stronger. As the storms blew in, we wrapped layer after layer of love around us and became impenetrable. This could never of happened if we didn’t like each other so much. Who could stand to be wrapped in all those layers if they were made of  sandpaper? Choose to wrap yourself in cashmere. Life is full of intensity; it is guaranteed. You’d be smart to make yourself comfortable.

People talk themselves into staying in relationships all the time: “If s/he only did _____, everything would be perfect.”   “S/he’s just really stressed right now”. One of my friends once uttered the classic whopper: “I think he’ll settle down once we have kids”…painful divorce.

They never just stop to think about how they really feel about the person, deep down. Truth is, they are a little scared to discover the truth. But it is there. It is always there. You just have to have the guts to look for it. Don’t be afraid to ask the two most basic, yet essential, questions:

1.”Do I like this person?” and 

2.”Does this person like me?”

Ridiculously obvious, I know, but critical. Never once in 22 years has your Dad made me feel bad about or doubt myself. 

Not once. He likes me. I’d let all my chips ride on it.

Do not, under any circumstances, settle for good enough. You, as your own person, need to feel complete on your own. You need to feel confident that you would be just fine to live your life with only yourself to keep you company. You have to like you: fully and completely,  inside and out. You need to know you deserve the very best and settle for nothing less.

How do you cultivate such magnificent self esteem?  Do what you love. Find out what makes you feel good inside and selfishly pursue it. Think about you first. I know it goes against a lot of the advice out there, but as I said before, I got this one. Now, this doesn’t mean go be a total asshole. It just means you should never make excuses  for taking care of yourself. Always be considerate of and kind to others, but never compromise what is important to you. Pay attention to what you feel in your heart. Do what makes you smile and makes you feel really, really great. Think about the airplane analogy: when the air masks drop from the ceiling, get yourself some oxygen first, then you’ll be capable of  helping the ones you love. Make sure you love yourself first, before you ask another to do the same. 

When your dad and I met, neither one of us was looking for “the one”. We were both right in the middle of getting our degrees and the course load was intense. We were so focused on doing something were cared about,  neither one of us was looking outside of ourselves for completion. We just happened to meet up during a break in semesters and started to hang out. And while we were hanging out, we had fun. The best kind of fun: the kind where you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt and tears come to your eyes. The kind of fun you want to last forever. It just felt so good to be together, we wanted to hang out all of the time. And so we did, for 22 years and counting.
Sounds so great you want to go out and find it immediately, right? Well, if you are actively “looking for the one”, just knock it off. Call off the search. Searching is not how you find it. Instead, go out and do something that makes you happy.  When you feel great about yourself and are content just being you, the “one” will  magically appear. You will attract another who feels the same way about themselves and that match will be a powerful one. Like two strong magnets. 

Do not underestimate attraction.  You need to be attracted to your mate. If the spark isn’t there, it isn’t there. You cannot grow a spark, yet it is essential to the formula. Attraction can be an illogical thing, so don’t waste your time analyzing it. You can be dating the best looking person you have ever seen or the kindest person on the planet, but something just doesn’t click- you don’t feel that chemistry; the pheromones just ain’t flowing. On the flip side, the person you are attracted to does not have the physical appearance that society would label as beautiful, but you find you cant stay away from them. Pay attention to these things! They really, really matter. How do you feel when you are around this person? Do you find yourself smiling without knowing it or do you feel a little flicker of annoyance starting in your gut? Just be honest with yourself. Deep down the answer is right there. Does this person do it for me or not? Trust your gut.
You have the wisdom. You just have to be willing to acknowledge it.

A loving relationship feels good. It makes you happy. It makes you smile. When you are truly in love, you will feel like you are going to burst with joy. Yes, I’m telling you, this does happen. It is not a fairy tale.  It is the most amazing feeling and it really does happen

So go forth my dear child. Find out who you are and what you love and when the time is right, the love of your life will appear.

Listen to me. I know.

Then…

 

 

…and Now